Letting go.
Most of the time, holding on means that you treasure something. This can get into certain psychological nuances but most of the time it can be something worthy, something special. Letting go means that we either need to get rid of something not welcomed or trust that something good will remain or come back. We all have had things to let go of and at times you find that it is something you no longer have stewardship over it or on the other end of the spectrum, you find that it owns you. In Buddhist thought, all things are impermanent or temporal in nature and the goal of existence is one of releasing. An object or thought can be persistent and it can turn into what is called ‘mind grasping’, the object or thought controls the mind and causes the pain of attachment. In order to free or liberate the mind, you have to find release from it. Buddhism calls this Nirvana, which Joseph Campbell artfully explained as, ‘the ultimate condition where you are not compelled by desire or by fear. It is where you hold your center and act from there’.
Until recently I didn’t realize the totality of ‘letting go’. As a parent, we remember our children’s first steps, being there to catch them if they fell. All too soon, we then witness their first steps towards their own journey, forcing ourselves to stay any attempts to catch them when they fall. Sending them on their way, jealous of life now being their teacher. I am the father of two sons and during their growth I have had to let go. After I failed at a marriage, I couldn’t witness their daily routine, their daily travel through school, and gradual development into manhood. In the beginning it was different, I watched each of them take their first steps where they trustingly held my finger or hand as they learned to step and find their balance. It was when they didn’t need my hand to steady themselves that they let go first. After then, it seemed that even though they still needed advice from time to time that they have been waiting for me to do the same, to let go.
In the remake of ‘War of the Worlds’. Tom Cruise’s character is one of those fathers who, by distance or career demands, couldn’t be there all of the time for his children yet loves them in the genuine flesh and blood capacity that no one could invalidate. During a pivotal scene he physically struggles with his son, trying to protect him by keeping him from going over a hill where we know something traumatic is occurring but we can’t see what it is. His son turns to him and tells him to ‘please let me go, you need to let me go’. They finally stop struggling and stand up facing each other as two men instead of as father and son.
A parent always wants to protect their children but sometimes never realize the moment needed to let go. I was absent enough to not see that moment, thinking that I was still needed to hold their hand or to share life lessons, only to find in reflection that moment had passed. No one person contributes to a child’s life. Since I do not have a real family, my ex-wife gave them the stability of having one through hers. I did the best that I could and when my sons and I were together, I showed them things that they never would have been able to see or experience before. They are still my sons, only they have already started their own journey. Now, whenever I greet them, I hug and hold them for a minute longer than needed but in the end release them. I do the same when it is time to part ways, trusting that they will come back again. That is what it seems to have come down to, because after all, it is about…
Letting go